Terrors and Other Real Things

Since October I have lived in terror. Terror that the bad people will come back and I will be alone and unable to defend myself, again. Terror that, again, I will be beaten and thrown out on the street again. Terror that once again no one will show up in answer to my calls. Terror on top of terror all wrapped up in even more terror. The only thing that makes it bearable is that they can not take my most precious companion from again because they already killed her. They murdered my little kitty, Champers. I want nothing more from this world. 

Accepting Acceptance and Gentle Lies

When I first left the hospital in 2013 I had lists and lists of lists of all the things I either knew or thought that I should know. The basic information about who I had been and what he had been doing that morning was actually the hardest to get. I knew who everyone thought I was but that is just a name or a label that had no context for me in the hospital. I knew the very pretty lady who visited me often was my boss and the other lady who was always in consultation with one or more of my doctors was my mother. Again simply labels that I didn't know the context of. I kept most of my thoughts and questions to my self out of fear. They kept calling me by his name. I knew that I was new and hadn't lived for over fifty years in this or any world. For whatever reason I felt that I would be disposed of if it became known that I was not John.

The whole time I was in the hospital I never once heard the term traumatic brain injury aka TBI. The neurologist said several times that I would get everything back in about six months. Was that a gentle lie or something else? He was the one who told my mom that I would never be able to talk or walk again due to the extensive damage done to my brain. He had just spent eighteen hours repairing the brain and skull as well as a ruptured artery. A year or two after that operation an audiologist remarked that he should have removed the blockage from the ear canal and done this other thing etc... I told her that he was busy saving my life and that he had done an excellent job of that. He had taken his own life and could not defend himself. 

 Roses from the Albuquerque VA

A Tear for the Sun

A Tear for the Sun In the night time I am visited by the dead. They come begging for me to remember them. I try with all my might but the memories are gone. I may be able to place them in time and place from documents or other sources but I don't remember them. The coming of day forces them to leave. That is why I always shed a tear for the the sun.

Masks of Life

When people look at me they don't see what I really am. They see an old man who is either lost and confused or a determined man who knows what he wants. I wear those faces often and many more if the truth be known. Depending on where I am going or who I am going to see determines the face I wear. My true face is never shown because I fear the reaction it will bring. I am always lost and always searching for myself. More accurately I am searching for the me that died on June the 21st of 2013. Within my mind he lives trapped in a maze and he is searching for a way out. What this me is really doing is looking for clues as to who he was and what he did. I feel that if I understand him then I can safely release him from the maze. I know that if I release him now I will be subsumed in him and stop being. His was a very strong will. His will to survive insured that his body would continue after he died. I have his body now but his mind is trapped in that maze and I and another have the keys to set him free. The other warns me that he is an unknown and cautions that he may destroy us. I know the others fears because they are mine. The other is, also, one of me that was born and died on the operating table. There was a total of eleven others that flashed onto the scene and died just as quickly as the doctors faught to save this body. The thought that my life and my existence are based upon so much death is unbearable. I seek to understand them all but him most of all to reconnect us some how. 

Death of a Thing

I have mentioned that I write poetry. Here are two of my latest please enjoy!

Death of a Thing

Sunday, March 29, 2020

11:03 PM

I believe that a thing knows when it's time is up. It's like the entire universe got together for this one event and tells the thing that it's time is up, there is no more for that construction of flesh and metal to accomplish. It is time to rest. When the world stops visiting and instead do a drive by or else just sit in their car laughing at it, it's time to go.

 

When the days blur together in endless pain. When nothing can make it smile or even get it to eat, then you know that it's over.

 

There has been no point to its existence for some time now. It's not suicide if you've already died. Again and again. No one will miss it.

Truth

Monday, June 1, 2020

3:27 PM

The day that you truly know is a sad day.

You can no longer believe the kindness of a friends remark because you know.

You are cut off from polite society by your knowledge.

That knowledge which should be freeing has caged you.

You finally realize that each and every encounter with another will be filled with lies and half-truths for the rest of your days and you have to make a decision.

Will you continue to accept and give out meaningless platitudes or will you reble and say the truth?

"My dear you look like crap."

I See

When you or I look at something it is through filters placed there by our minds. Every experience that we have, that we live through changes what we see. We see what experience has told us will be there. When we see a large gaseous ball in flamed by nuclear forces we think "Ah sunset". I don't find it amazing that each and every one of us is seeing something different, because we are different and that difference has shaped our filters. What I truly marvel at is that groups of us together can all look at the same thing and call it by its shared name. That is truly amazing!