I don't experience life as an event. I experience it as a cascade.
If someone or something makes me happy I experience that happiness compounded with a flood of memories of everytime I have been made happy. It is truly glorious. It stops time and I live in that beautiful moment for, what seems like, an eternity.
The downside is that when negative things or people appear in my life they, too, cause a cascade. I am trapped in a moment of perfect horror. Forced to re-remember and re-live every single moment of that emotion that has ever happened in my life. All I can do is live through the waves of pain and try not to get lost in the cascade.
The recent death of a friend has had me trapped in such a cascade. I have been experiencing the moment that I was told she died over and over again mixed up with every single death that I have experienced in my life. All just as real as the current event and all happening right now.
At the moment of being told of her death I was there receiving the the tragic news but I was also out for a walk being told of my mothers death and sitting at my desk at Offutt Air Force Base being told that Tim had died.
At her funeral I was at every funeral that I have ever been to. I saw her laying in her coffin with overlays of my mother, Tim, Danny, and others that I don't have any conscience memories of.
I try very hard to live in the moment, the real world that is happening around me right now. I can't control the cascades. They happen again and again I have to let them run their own course. Maybe every one experiences life this way, I don't know, but this re-experiencing, re-living makes life very hard to get through.
I love the positive cascades because they magnify the moment and make the moment bigger than it really is. But the negative ones, also, magnify the moment trapping me in a moment of perfect terror. I could very much do without those.
If someone or something makes me happy I experience that happiness compounded with a flood of memories of everytime I have been made happy. It is truly glorious. It stops time and I live in that beautiful moment for, what seems like, an eternity.
The downside is that when negative things or people appear in my life they, too, cause a cascade. I am trapped in a moment of perfect horror. Forced to re-remember and re-live every single moment of that emotion that has ever happened in my life. All I can do is live through the waves of pain and try not to get lost in the cascade.
The recent death of a friend has had me trapped in such a cascade. I have been experiencing the moment that I was told she died over and over again mixed up with every single death that I have experienced in my life. All just as real as the current event and all happening right now.
At the moment of being told of her death I was there receiving the the tragic news but I was also out for a walk being told of my mothers death and sitting at my desk at Offutt Air Force Base being told that Tim had died.
At her funeral I was at every funeral that I have ever been to. I saw her laying in her coffin with overlays of my mother, Tim, Danny, and others that I don't have any conscience memories of.
I try very hard to live in the moment, the real world that is happening around me right now. I can't control the cascades. They happen again and again I have to let them run their own course. Maybe every one experiences life this way, I don't know, but this re-experiencing, re-living makes life very hard to get through.
I love the positive cascades because they magnify the moment and make the moment bigger than it really is. But the negative ones, also, magnify the moment trapping me in a moment of perfect terror. I could very much do without those.
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